but! i get to stay tues night, wed night, thurs night, friday saturday sunday with him, and i might go down this friday to take a break from studying. i've just got to wonder sometimes if this is real. I'm so used to shannon...the one who never misses me, never says that he loves me unless i say it first, never gets excited to see me or cares when i'm really ecited about seeing him. john does. and although there are things i miss about shannon...there are more things i like about john that shannon doesn't have. the trick is convincing myself taht i'm worth all of this and that he really means it.
i've had alot of bad things happen to me when it comes to relationships...and i guess that that will haunt me until i stand up and say that i deserve to be happy...and i deserve love...and john can give me these things in addition to the fact that i love him whole heartedly...except for that little voice in the back of my head telling me that this isn't real and i don't deserve it.
when he was gone to iowa...i thought he was dead. he didn't call until thursday...and i just knew that since he was too good to be true anyway... and it's an even year...i was just going to loose him. i hate that attitude. i need to figure out how to change it.