Ariana (sp) wrote,
Ariana
sp

Shan & John

I talked to shannon for a long time last night. I talked to John too. I'm so excited b/c i get to go stay almost a whole week with john after my finals are over with. I have them all on monday and tuesday, so as soon as i'm done with work tuesday afternoon i'm headed down to see my baby. I haven't gotten to see him much at all these past two months. He had shut down at his plant and so he had to work shift work for about 2 weeks. And then he went to Iowa for thanksgivig, and i've had stuff i had to do...so what usually is 5 days b/t wheni see him was averaging like 2 weeks. and it sucked.

but! i get to stay tues night, wed night, thurs night, friday saturday sunday with him, and i might go down this friday to take a break from studying. i've just got to wonder sometimes if this is real. I'm so used to shannon...the one who never misses me, never says that he loves me unless i say it first, never gets excited to see me or cares when i'm really ecited about seeing him. john does. and although there are things i miss about shannon...there are more things i like about john that shannon doesn't have. the trick is convincing myself taht i'm worth all of this and that he really means it.

i've had alot of bad things happen to me when it comes to relationships...and i guess that that will haunt me until i stand up and say that i deserve to be happy...and i deserve love...and john can give me these things in addition to the fact that i love him whole heartedly...except for that little voice in the back of my head telling me that this isn't real and i don't deserve it.

when he was gone to iowa...i thought he was dead. he didn't call until thursday...and i just knew that since he was too good to be true anyway... and it's an even year...i was just going to loose him. i hate that attitude. i need to figure out how to change it.

xoxo
ariana
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