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Wednesday, November 29th, 2000
10:17 am - Shan & John
I talked to shannon for a long time last night. I talked to John too. I'm so excited b/c i get to go stay almost a whole week with john after my finals are over with. I have them all on monday and tuesday, so as soon as i'm done with work tuesday afternoon i'm headed down to see my baby. I haven't gotten to see him much at all these past two months. He had shut down at his plant and so he had to work shift work for about 2 weeks. And then he went to Iowa for thanksgivig, and i've had stuff i had to do...so what usually is 5 days b/t wheni see him was averaging like 2 weeks. and it sucked.

but! i get to stay tues night, wed night, thurs night, friday saturday sunday with him, and i might go down this friday to take a break from studying. i've just got to wonder sometimes if this is real. I'm so used to shannon...the one who never misses me, never says that he loves me unless i say it first, never gets excited to see me or cares when i'm really ecited about seeing him. john does. and although there are things i miss about shannon...there are more things i like about john that shannon doesn't have. the trick is convincing myself taht i'm worth all of this and that he really means it.

i've had alot of bad things happen to me when it comes to relationships...and i guess that that will haunt me until i stand up and say that i deserve to be happy...and i deserve love...and john can give me these things in addition to the fact that i love him whole heartedly...except for that little voice in the back of my head telling me that this isn't real and i don't deserve it.

when he was gone to iowa...i thought he was dead. he didn't call until thursday...and i just knew that since he was too good to be true anyway... and it's an even year...i was just going to loose him. i hate that attitude. i need to figure out how to change it.


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Tuesday, November 28th, 2000
3:59 pm - The Lab
Well, now my hands are cold, so I"ll try and make them slightly warmer by typing. I am at work. I work at a gov. office under a civil engineer. (That's what i want to be when/if i graduate from college). I don't really do anything and i'm trying to decide if i want to keep it that way or not. I always hated it when i got complacient and lazy but tha'ts exactly what has happened. when i first got this job i was all about going and working in the lab but now i have the chance and i almost just want to stay up here and play on the computer.

I guess deep down in side it's not that i want to be lazy, it's just that i'm scared of going down there now. i have to take a break and build up my courage to go down there. See, i have some friends who work here with me. They are the reason i have this job. It's 4 guys, who are all frat brothers of John's. (John is the current He, has been for almost 10 mos., i guess i should take a little aside and talk about him, but i'll do that later). Anyway, 3 of them work in the lab and two of them have told me over and over that they don't want me back there. They say it's b/c girls just don't work back there, it's nasty and hot in the summer and cold in the winter and it smells bad and it's just not work for girls.

But, ihate that. I have ALWAYS hated that attitude. Even when i was a kid and the janitor lady, mrs. harper would come in the class and say "i neeed me a couple of strong boys to come help me _____(insert meanial task that anyone, including a 5 yr. old girl could do here)____" i would feel my face burn adn i (a normally quiet little girl) would raise my hand and volunteer. sometimes the teacher would laugh at me, other teachers would just ignore me and once i think one let me go, but mrs. harper sent me back in b/c "this is boy's work, little girls just don't do me any good". i hate that. i really really hate that.

Maybe it's b/c i grew up in a house where 4/5 of it's members were girls. Being the oldest I did the "traditional boy jobs" such as mowing, taking out the trash, etc. as well as the "traditional girl jobs" such as laundry adn cleaning the kitchen. my cousin joe who is only a year older than me adn who i WORSHIPPED as a kid would let me tag along after him sometimes...i still say that i could do anything he could do. (even though he just says he went easy on me). One of my grandmothers was one of the first women to get her law degree here at LSU, she was the first woman editor of some law paper when she was here and ithink she was the first women presidents of a class. the other grandmother ran a little country store practically by herself when her husband's health began to fail. i guess i just come from a long line of women who think "so what if i don't have a penis...i can do anything you can do, if not better" not to say i don't have shortcomings...i just don't ike to not be given a chance b/c i'm a girl.

anyway, i had a big long discussion about this with john about this. i know there are somethings i am just not going to be able to do, and i have to be sure not to confuse being discriminated against with the advice of friends who just dont' want me to get hurt or get in over my head.

I think i can't put tha off any longer so i will probaby have to start down there tomorrow or at best put it off until we come back from christmas break.


current mood: determined

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3:03 pm - The Beginning
Well, I guess I could call this a beginning. The beginning of me trying once again to be successful at keeping a journal. I have a hard one, at home underneath my bed. But about the only thigs in it are stories about the current "Him". Fights, sweet things he did...whatever. I hope to finally find somewhere where I won't be prone to write about Him all the time and can focus on the other things in my life that are important.

I just wrote the story o fmy life and it got deleted so I will not write it again right now. I'll just tell necessary information as it comes up.

current mood: peaceful

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